30 Weeks Today!!

Wow! It feels like just yesterday when we were all sitting at the diningroom table for dinner and I presented my husband with the (very quickly made) card above. The confusion on his face was classic actually – I even remember that I had made a very nice macaroni cheese for dinner even though I wanted to vomit every 5 minutes while preparing it. [I deserve cudo’s for that one]. I had found out the day before that I was pregnant, after refusing to believe it for a few weeks and blaming it on a stomach bug. The reason for this was because we had tried so long (5 years to be exact – with one blighted ovum to boot) and lots of doctor’s visits, lots of poking and prodding, clomid, injects, HSG’s, sperm analysis, bloods, bloods and more bloods … well you get the picture.
It seems the best medicine known to man is to just … well… give up! make peace that its not on the cards for you …. which I did – about 4 months prior. DH was not happy at all but I told him I was tired of putting my life on hold for something that was clearly not in God’s plan for us. I wanted my life back, I wanted my body back – I wanted to remember how it felt to just …. LIVE!! I was sick and tired of bleeding like a slaughtered pig every say …. 50 days or so – with PMS symptoms for a good 2 weeks leading up to the arrival of that bitch Aunt Flo…. sooooo – I decided mid-cycle to start the pill (yes – mid-cycle as I was too impatient to wait for AF to rear her ugly head). Turns out all my PMS symptoms, heartburn (which I put down to the 4 glasses of wine consumed the night before), nausea (put down to a bad stomach bug which was in fact going around at the time) and absolute exhaustion (again a nasty side-effect of this new strain of stomach bug) were something that everybody else but me could see for what they were – yes … early pregnancy symptoms. Yep – pretty damn clueless you must think but damn – after trying for so long with so many disappointments who could blame me?

When I eventually went to see a dr. about this “stomach bug” and decided to just stop at the pharmacy and pick up a test on the way (not believing for one minute it would be positive) – peeing on the stick and to my utter shock the line coming up so much darker than the control line…. yep – I remember all too well – the mixed emotions on those first few days. I refused to tell DH when I first found out and don’t even ask me how I managed that but I did. The whole blighted ovum experience came flooding back and I refused to believe it until I saw tangible proof. The dr. took my bloods which I would have the results for the following day and I managed to get in to see a GP the following day, who had a very basic sonar machine in his rooms – there was my proof and to put into words the emotions I felt when I saw my little bean with a beating heart would be completely impossible. It was determined that I was 8 weeks along and had gone on the pill at 5 weeks pregnant. No harm done I was told and this is often a mistake that women have made.
I couldn’t wait for DH to get home so I could share the news …. notice the card is blue – I just knew in my heart I was carrying the little boy we both so much longed for.

So here I sit 30 weeks pregnant and wondering where the hell this whole pregnancy has gone to. I am so relieved I had the foresight to start this blog because even though I am still pregnant I am missing it already if that makes any sense. I am soo looking forward to meeting my little man but this journey has been absolutely amazing – this pregnancy, although at 38 years of age has been so incredibly good to me in comparison to my other two pregnancies which were full of complaints and I guess the wonder I feel at being given this chance just one more time has me waking up every day and counting my blessings – perhaps because I had to fight a good fight for this one? who knows. I guess what I’m saying is that, in a sense I have started mourning the loss of my life as a fertile woman, a baby maker, a new mother …. this will be my last and I have to say, its a bitter pill to swallow. It’s a chapter in my life that I have to say goodbye to in order to begin the new chapter, the second half of my life.

Forgive me my nostalgic / melancholic state but this too shall pass ….. ;o)

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~ by irene0211 on May 4, 2009.

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