Depressed

Well here I sit 25 weeks pregnant and although I am eternally grateful to God for giving me this pregnancy and a son no less, I can’t help being pulled down by my husband. I hate to complain on my blog but i need some sort of diarised reminder for months down the line when I too easily forget the lack of support or interest from his part. Why do some men feel the need to go out drinking so much when we are pregnant as if their lives are coming to an end? I have had a total lack of support from him throughout this whole pregnancy. No help with ANYTHING and I mean ANYTHING – not the painting of the walls, choosing of the colours, ordering of the cot, cupboards, cleaning of the prams, campcots etc. NOTHING!! I have been doing it all. He has little to no interest to feel baby kicking when he is lying in bed with me, even though my girls just love to sit around my stomach and wait for baby to play. This is the first pregnancy that I am doing without family around and I have to say it is probably THE lonliest time of my life. Thank God for my true friends I have here who have decided to help me finish baby’s room and share in my joy etc. not to make me feel better, but because they really do care. It’s really hard for me to go onto my favourite pregnancy boards and read how supportive other husbands are – so where did I go wrong? He was never like this when I was pregnant with Morgan – why now? Is he jealous because he senses competition with a little boy?? Does this all go back to primitive territorial behaviour of a male leader in his group of adoring females? I don’t know .. all I do know is I will not take this SHIT lying down. I WILL surround myself with people who make me feel good about myself instead of beating myself up over a dead beat husband. As of now I will do my best to completely exclude him from everything baby including the choosing of a name!! (put that in your pipe and smoke it sunshine)!! In fact I am so mad I am considering having the baby in Jhb at my old gynae and having a family member support me and not him…. its my perogative is it not? Learn to treat me with respect or I will take away from you the one thing that you most want.

Well apart from all the shit mentioned above I still try to remain positive and soldier on. I have my wallpaper now but until I have bought the cot on 15 April and have a fair idea on where my furniture is going – I will not be putting it up as I do not want to waste it by using it behind cupboards. After all the indecision I decided to go with this one and I must say the picture does not do it much justice – it is beautiful quality and even the colours are brighter… will add pic once up on wall..

Yesterday afternoon I had a bit of a scare because I suddenly realised at about 6:30pm that I hadn’t felt baby move for at least the last 3 hours. I immediately pulled my doppler out and tried to listen to the heartbeat but could NOT.FIND.IT!! I tried to remain calm as i thought I may have heard a little kick but it just wasn’t clear enough for me to be sure. I gave it a break, walked around a little, went to pee and then tried again – still nothing :o( … I decided then to push my stomach in with both hands like I was kneading bread and not too gentle either and then….suddenly .. a little kick on my lower left side. THANK THE LORD!!!! I was so damn nervous because I had been having bad thoughts during the day due to my husband and I really thought I was being punished. I then put the doppler back on my belly with a shitload of gel and found a big strong heartbeat right under my belly button. *whew* instant relief washed over me and my colour returned. I am guessing that because I have an anterior placenta, and although it has migrated upwards in the last few months it is still partially in the way of movement, that baby just found a really good hiding place behind it. We will have to have a chat when he is born … making his mommmy worry like that!!

Apart from that I spent Sunday with friends and had a really good day. Karen took me into her garage and showed me the most BEAUTIFUL little wooden crib that she said i could borrow for baby. I will be collecting it this week so will take a picture just as soon as I have my grubby little paws on it. It is so cute and just the right size for baby. I will be putting it right next to my bed for the first three months, after which baby will probably outgrow it. I just feel that the cot I am buying is so big and baby will look tiny in it. When Morgan and Kaylah were babies I had them sleep in their prams a lot – next to the bed as the size was a lot better than a cot so this is going to be just perfect.

I can’t believe that tomorrow I will be on 99 days remaining until my scheduled c/section!!!! (well according to ff anyway – the ticker on my blog says otherwise because that date is worked out according to my actual due date). Either way I have come a really long way from where I started at 288 days!!!! I remember seeing women on 99 days and feeling like I would never get there but here I am ….

As far as how I am feeling I have never felt healthier and I have to admit that I am sure my stomach is not as big as it was with Morgan. I get around easily, I have not had a moment’s backache (had it terrible with Morgan), no real aches and pains and the ones I have are not even worth a mention – this little boy seems to be good to his mama and has not even added ONE stretch mark to her belly or butt [hmmmm …. she feels like she is jinxing her good fortune].
I remember going for a monthly check-up in my second trimester with Morgan and when they weighed me (2 months in a row) I had gained 4kg’s each time!!! Wow! That’s 8kg’s in 2 months. As things stand now I have gained around 10.5kg’s but I have felt a slight increase in my appetite lately. I still enjoy lots of fruit and vege’s and can’t eat huge portions of meat but my biggest downfall is my addiction to coca cola and sweets and chocolates. I almost have to have a chocolate every day (blush). My other, somewhat healthy, craving is my glass of grapefruit juice every morning – yummy!! I decided about 2 months ago already that I was not going to discuss my weight gain with my gynae as he doesn’t even bother to weigh me anyway. The reason for this is because of how guilty he made me feel after Christmas and quite frankly I don’t think I have anything to feel guilty about. All he will do is give me one more thing to worry about and in all honesty my plate is packed to capacity with all the other stuff going on in my life.

So after speaking to my friends we decided to make a day of it the Saturday after Easter weekend because by then I will have my cot. They will all come around with husbands and we will put up the dido rails, wallpaper and assemble the cot. I really am excited and hopefully it will piss on Oli’s battery a little and make him feel foolish that friends husbands are essentially doing the job he has failed so miserably to do himself.

Until next time ladies, my little man is as of now, practacing for the world cup with my bladder so off to the ladies i go ……

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~ by irene0211 on March 30, 2009.

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